I have had a hard time verbalizing what being a ‘military wife’ means to me, and I am someone who finds comfort in written word…it seems to legitimize the root of the emotion. Through reading MANY military wife ‘blogs’ ‘poems’ etc, it seems as though the feelings are similar. Military wives are not born, they are created through love, devotion, and pride.
Being a spouse of a military man is not a job for the weak at heart. Pride is a fairly new concept- as it relates to my world, more in the way of ‘Being proud’. I never knew how strong this emotion could be. I can honestly say- prior to meeting my husband- pride was not an emotion I had ever truly felt. I STILL cannot explain with complete accuracy, what pride means. I know how it makes me feel. At times is makes me gitty and smile from ear to ear- complete with the tingly thing that happens all over. It makes me sad. It can feel like getting the wind knocked out of you. Sometimes it makes you angry, or anxious, or confused…etc..
The only thing I can say about my pride is that it is absolutely, completely, with every inch of my being- proud of my husband. I had absolutely NO idea what it meant to be a soldier, as I never knew one, and knew no one associated with the military. To understand where I am coming from, you would need to know the range of loss, success, accomplishments, road-blocks, etc..I have experienced- but needless to say- I have a well rounded concept of what is important in life, and that single idea may be the craziest part of this new PRIDE concept. As in the past I would have put hundreds ( k..maybe tens..lol).. of values ahead or pride, as it had a negative connotation in reference to personality/character- as I knew it, i.e. “too much pride too..” “pride holding them back..”. I learned that pride is not only an emotion; it’s a way of life.
As I currently sit at home on Christmas night, the first Christmas without my grandma, 2nd Christmas without my mom, and the 4th without my dad, and my husband is fighting thousands of miles away- for people who don’t know him or care about him or his well-being-he fights for THEIR freedom…and I love him more each day, and would marry him all over again, and can truly say I have never questioned my decision to marry him and never doubted his. Even if I have to constantly say ‘good-bye’..for deployment, leave, or the phone calls prior to a 7-10 day mission/convoy across an IED-insurgent-bomb-riddened country in ill-equip-vehicles, and in less-than-ideal-climates….Sigh..…. I have come to hate goodbyes. But maybe the devastating goodbyes we exchange today…. will make for the insanely comforting hellos we will exchange everyday for the rest of our lives. That’s what I have to believe. Anything other than that would destroy my optimism. The optimism that allows me to believe my husband when (prior to mission, after I prompt/question him..lol)..he tells me this mission is to the “ safe part” and not the ‘dangerous kind.” That’s why I married him.
For someone to be so selfless-in the face of such extreme danger, fear, and whatever comes along with it…He NEVER complains!! Can you believe that?!?! I complain when it rains, or that there’s no more paper towels…or Makoa’s being a monster…HOW FREAKING PETTY!!?!? Right? When there is nothing he would rather be doing than tending to our grouchy son.. WHILE-tolerating rain (minus the ultra-fine sand that interferes with convoys, cakes his weapon/defense utility, gets in every crevasse of his being)..as I can guarantee he would rather be ‘manning-it’..on foot..bare feet even..in the snow…while holding our restless toddler..without paper towels!!
He is a breath of fresh air..I guess, he is what I always wished was the ‘truth’ about human nature…that it is fundamentally good. The idea of-fundamentally good-may not mean a whole lot to many- but it’s a belief I have to have, otherwise there is no explanation for what I have been through.
In closing- I do the military wife thing for a man who deserves it. I don’t seek a pat on the back as it’s my husband is the one who is fighting, thank him, I am just talking. I have nothing figured out…just a thought. My husband is truly my hero, he is a man I look at in ‘Awe’. He is a man who genuinely feels he is obligated to ‘do his part’, and that simple, humanitarian, idea moves me. Because I look around and very rarely encounter others who act ‘simply, because it’s the right thing to do’ let alone who have the level of patriotism that encourages one to fight for an ideal each one of us enjoy everyday- but do not regularly acknowledge- because of people like my husband, never let it get taken away. I have often compared soldiers to parents (though not a direct correlation), our soldiers act to Americans as parents act to their children. Just as parents sacrifice, fight, endure imminent hatred from know-it-all-children, as they attempt to protect them from things they are not yet aware of and situations you hope are never their reality, that’s what soldiers do for Americans. I know it’s a bizarre analogy, but as a new parent it hits home for me.
Sarah Grafia
